I often write about choosing compatible, high-quality people to date.
But sometimes in that pursuit, you still chase the hard-to-get, uncommunicative, or “crazy” girl because she’s hot…and you want to sleep with her.
No big deal, right?
But our actions always have consequences.
I see this all the time with guys: they find a girl they’re insanely attracted to and throw all reason out the window.
They let those women disrespect their time and put up with a lack of investment. They’re suddenly willing to compromise their values just because there’s a hot girl involved…and those consequences are more devastating than they know.
Let me set the scene for you…
You meet a girl or match with her online. You’re really into her. You get her number and try to start a conversation.
She replies with short texts. Sometimes it takes a while for her to reply. Sometimes she doesn’t reply at all.
It takes FOREVER to get her out on a date. She gives you ambiguous times she’s available and when she does make plans, she often cancels at the last minute. She never apologizes or offers a better time.
But you stick it out. You have too much pride to give up and maybe you haven’t had an opportunity like this in a while. Plus, it feels nice to get some attention.
Eventually, you get a date with her. Maybe you hook up a few times.
Despite that, she still doesn’t show any signs of investing in you or trying to communicate better. Her lack of respect never seems to change. She still seems disengaged and doesn’t ask you about yourself. She blows you off to hang out with other people.
All you want is for this girl to be as excited about you as you are about her. You’ll do anything for it. You ask me, “How do I get her to get to really like me?”
I tell you that you deserve someone who’s into you from the beginning and it’s time to move on.
That’s not the answer you wanted, so you justify all the reasons why you should keep fighting for her. (e.g. you want to prove to yourself that you can win her over, you don’t want to give up the sex, or you still convince yourself you like her despite her flaws.)
What you fail to realize is you’ve already lost. Without her respect — you have nothing.
When you don’t set boundaries and have standards for yourself, you do more damage to yourself than you realize.
Here are some of the consequences when you chase someone who doesn’t respect you…
Disclaimer: In the following, I’m giving examples of situations I’ve heard for years. I’m not trying to portray an evil woman. Even unintentionally, some women leave guys confused and frustrated, and I want to make sure men maintain a healthy mindset. But ladies, you shouldn’t chase the wrong guys, either.
You become racked with anxiety
Chasing someone who’s not that into you will always leave you feeling insecure about the connection. As long as their behavior doesn’t change, you’re always going to question their commitment and worry about when they’re going to leave.
You’ll be sitting around relentlessly asking yourself questions like:
“Why isn’t she texting back? Should I text her again? Is she with someone else? Does she even like me? Is this the end?”
You’re caught in a rollercoaster of emotions and you’re always stressed out.
I’ve watched men literally be consumed by their anxiety surrounding aloof women. They’re miserable and not having any fun, which is the exact opposite of how a new connection should feel like.
This leads to deeply insecure ways of thinking…
You reinforce a needy mentality
If you’re obsessing about winning one distant girl over, it’s almost always taking all up your focus and time. You’re spending every day texting, overanalyzing, and strategizing.
Everything else in your social life takes a backseat.
You stop trying to meet other women. You build your entire schedule around hers and stop hanging out with friends in case she becomes available. You lose your motivation to spend time on your hobbies or personal growth because you’re so stressed out.
Because she’s keeping herself detached, you idealize her and put her on a pedestal. You can’t bear the idea of losing her. Getting attention from her is your only metric for happiness and success.
When she eventually breaks it off — you’re devastated. You think you’re never going to get another chance with a girl of her caliber.
And because you never spent time meeting other women, building your romantic skills, or discovering how many other incredible women could like you…
You further reinforce that you’re not worthy of attracting great women. (Remember, this is all BS created by your own actions.)
This negativity only makes you more desperate and clingy for the next “one” opportunity you get. Which, in turn, makes it more likely you won’t be able to keep or attract a quality girl.
I’ve watched men repeat this cycle over and over with each cycle crushing them further. They become extremely disheartened and sometimes even begin to resent women.
You always deal with emotionally unhealthy people
When a woman acts aloof towards you, you often blame yourself. You think, “I’m probably not attractive enough. Or interesting enough. That’s why she’s treating me like shit.”
You get this idea that if you can fix those problems with yourself, that girl will suddenly be warm and affectionate towards you.
But that’s not how it works.
Of course it’s helpful to try your best to be attractive and interesting. However, NO ONE, not even an attractive girl, has the right to treat you poorly. There’s no justification for disrespecting your time, using you, not communicating, lying, manipulating, or leading you on.
Believe me when I say it’s worth holding out for emotionally healthy women. Even when they may not be interested in you, they still treat you with respect. They are compassionate. They understand they’re dealing with another human being and take your emotions into consideration, even when they’re doling out a rejection.
Malcom Forbes said, “You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.”
Quality women don’t treat you like dirt and then suddenly transform when they find value in you.
And it’s only a matter of time until those crappy behaviors become dangerous behaviors…
You get into dangerous situations
If a girl is already causing you anxiety and you’re only casually dating, what do you think will happen with more time?
When you get close to someone, more emotions are involved. More communication, vulnerability, and commitment are required. With those can also come more opportunities for tension.
Emotionally healthy people try their best to process those feeling fairly and rationally. They work through issues together. They set clear boundaries in a compassionate way. They try to empathize with the other person and compromise as necessary.
Emotionally unstable people don’t know how to deal with all those feelings. They want things done their way. They lash out or attack the other person.
Some women prefer drama and love getting a rise out of you (especially when they don’t truly value you). In my experience, the correlation between women who played games early on to those who love drama is very high.
I’ve seen guys deal with…false pregnancy scares and girls lying about being on birth control. Getting their tires slashed. Being threatened with false physical or sexual abuse allegations. Getting drained of their money. Getting cheated on relentlessly.
Of course, this type of behavior isn’t limited to women. There are plenty of terrible guys out there who have done similar acts or worse.
My point is this….
You’re chasing after this woman and thinking, “I just want to have sex with her — what’s the big deal?” And you’re severely underestimating the potential consequences of that action.
Find a woman with a good heart and avoid more heartache.
You destroy your self-worth
You can’t strive to be a confident man while seeking the approval of people who mistreat you. Those goals are at complete odds with one another.
You have to choose one.
Genuine self-confidence means you love everything you are and everything you aren’t. You feel worthy of love and connection. Therefore, you would only want to date someone who you feel recognizes and appreciates your value. Someone who’s excited to learn more about you.
Whether you like it or not — every time you seek the approval of girls who don’t respect you, you’re subconsciously reinforcing…
“This is what I’m worth. I don’t deserve better than this. I don’t truly love myself.” And those pervasive thoughts will creep into every aspect of your life.
This is all a big part of why you feel certain women are out of your league. It’s why you have that negative inner voice that shames you and puts you down. It’s why you’re terrified of meeting new people and are controlled by social judgment.
You’ll settle for never having your needs met and letting people walk all over you. This leads to perpetual unhappiness.
You never get the love or fulfillment you desire
You’re putting in all this work because you want this girl to like you. But even if she finally does hook up with you, you’re never going to get what you actually want.
The #1 quality women want in a man is confidence. Confident men are the guys they fall in love with. And as I said above, confidence comes with having immense self-respect.
When a girl mistreats you and you come crawling back, she knows you have no self-respect or self-esteem. She’s fully aware of the way she’s treating you and your desperate response to it.
And if you were truly a confident man, you wouldn’t have tolerated that kind of behavior for one second. You would’ve spoken up and walked away if nothing changed.
Because you stick around instead, she will never be deeply attracted to you. She will always see as you beneath her. You’ll never be the guy she truly wants.
When I tell some guys this, they come up with the perfect solution: they just have to treat a woman the same way she’s treating them. They have to act distant, aloof, disrespectful, and unengaged…THEN she’ll see them as a real man and fight for their attention.
And sometimes, it works — but never for long.
Because if you don’t keep up that charade, things will inevitably go back to the way they were before. When the drama stops, so does her attention and affection.
So what’s your solution?
Pretend to be a jerk whenever you’re with her? Give up being a good person and throw away your moral compass? Decide you’d rather maintain a tumultuous, unfulfilling relationship than have to find someone else?
You’re still going to end up experiencing all the terrible things I’ve listed in the point above. And regardless of how hard you try, a woman who doesn’t respect you will jump to the next guy that excites her more.
I never met a guy who finally slept with a girl that didn’t value him and felt it was worth it in the long run. There are so many consequences and so much pain that it always ends in regret.
Chasing hollow sex made me feel worthless and learn to hate myself.
Because once you finally get that sexual conquest you’ve been looking for, you’re left with the real person you have to deal with. Because the short-term luster of new sex never outweighs the stress or damage you’ll experience.
As Lil Wayne said, “But it’s like as soon as I come, I come to my senses.”
The only way to come out a winner is to want better for yourself.
It’s difficult to understand how incredible it is to have someone who’s head over heels for you. Or at the very least someone who makes getting to know each other an enjoyable experience.
This article was inspired by a real client call I had this week. After trying to convince guys everything I said in this post, one client took my advice to heart.
He focused on a girl who had been communicative in her messaging, was genuinely curious about him, and followed through on plans. I reminded him to express himself passionately and without shame when they met.
On their first date, he revealed things he never had before to a new girl — his stance on the death penalty, the temporary job he’s embarrassed about while pursuing his passion, and even that he sold weed back in the day to make ends meet.
They kissed passionately. She later texted him that she’d had a wonderful time, checked in randomly to wish him good luck on an upcoming work project, and answered a quick call from him to set up their next date.
By the time I started writing this post, they’d already gone on their second date. Things progressed further and he emailed me…
“I really have a good feeling about this girl and I’m grateful for this experience of improving myself in terms of connecting with people authentically. Fu**ng AMAZING.”
If that doesn’t say it all, I don’t know what will.
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